You're earring is so big in my mouth
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
