i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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