Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
