I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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