Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
