A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
