i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
