He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
