Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize