Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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