This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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