I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
