You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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