I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
