She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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