Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
