They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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