The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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