Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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