I accidentally burped into my bong.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
