walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
