So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
