I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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