Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
