I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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