and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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