She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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