WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
His hands were made for my vagina.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
