"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
