I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
