I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
