...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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