peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Randomize
