: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he thought i was a dude.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
