This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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