he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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