nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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