Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Randomize
