Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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