Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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