You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
