Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
