the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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