You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
