so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
