Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
