Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
