Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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