I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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