I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
