I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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