i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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