I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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