you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
