Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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